===== A Video =====

On screen: a 4-hour-long video of Jonas Salt, apparently in a bathroom. He's wearing only a set of bright red lingerie, lip-syncing along to 80-yr-old pop songs by Rihanna and McFly, all while dancing around pretending to be... some kind of reptile? Maybe a T-Rex? Eventually he gets to the point: “If you are watching this, I am probably dead. You, however, in your aliveness might be wondering who I was? That is simple to answer; I was Jonas “Both Barrels” Salt, the King of Pirates, Blood sail admiral of the fleet, stealer of gold and fear of sailors. The last man of such description humanity will ever see. The last man crazy enough to survive this. It's been a pleasure lads.” Bowing extravagantly to the camera and waving a chocolate bar at his imaginary audience, he signs off with a little Amy Winehouse, somewhat modifying the words. “They tried to make me give up freedom, and I said no, no, no...”